What follows is a bunch of snark related to our 2016 burn: This Event is Cancelled, in which we mocked all that we love about Burning Man and regional burns. Because if you can’t make fund of what you love…
We deeply respect the 10(+1) principles, and try to run our burn in accordance with them. You can read them in their original form at:
Burning Man Founder Larry Harvey wrote the Ten Principles in 2004. They were crafted not to dictate how people should be and act, but as a reflection of the community’s ethos and culture as it had organically developed since the event’s inception. So without further ado, we’d like to present to you the 11 Principles, with that added sugar that only the mid-west burner community, and BurnersSuck.Us INC can provide!
1. RADICAL INCLUSION
(Sponsored by the Skull and Bones Society)
Anyone may be a part of Burning Man, but we only accept those who came up with us. While we welcome and respect the stranger during our initial meeting, we will immediately ignore them and start talking shit on them soon after they introduce themselves. No prerequisites exist for participation in our community after you spend $500 on camping equipment and gate fees.
(Sponsored by Wal*Mart)
Burning Man is devoted to acts of gift giving in many forms. Showing up for dinner is your gift to the camp that made extra so they don’t have to take it home! The value of a gift is unconditional as most are half-assed pieces of “art” made en masse by untalented chimps at the last minute (But it’s the thought that counts, right? Gimme a break!). Gifting does not contemplate a return or an exchange for something of equal value and is done for the act of self-seeming selfishness itself. If you don’t give me something back, you’re a selfish ass-hole (what do you think the “*” is in our logo???). Thanks for nothing slacker.
(Sponsored by Donald Trump)
In order to preserve the spirit of (corporate tax free) gifting, our community seeks to create social democratic environments that are unmediated by commercial sponsorships (Nike), transactions (hedge funds), or advertising (I’m Loving it!). We stand ready to protect our (501c incorporated) culture from such exploitation on all fronts – from Wall Street to Silicon Valley. We resist the substitution of consumption (of foreign, offshore imports) for participatory experience in fence building – that I will make Mexico pay for.
4. RADICAL SELF-RELIANCE
(Sponsored by Ammon Bundy and American Militia Movement)
The Burning Man community encourages the individual to discover, exercise, and rely on his or her inner resources. Rangers are on duty to haul your drunk carcass to Sanctuary when your friends leave you in the middle of the Playa at 3:00 AM. Bring your own snacks (and maybe some extra lube – just in case). Also, bring more snacks. Did I mention bring snacks? That’s important!!!
5. RADICAL SELF-EXPRESSION
(Sponsored by the American National Socialist Party)
Radical self-expression arises from the unique gifts of the white, 25-35 year old, male, English speaking, democratic, American* “individual”. No one other than the “individual” or a collaborating group of “individuals” (with matching arm-bands) can determine its true and appropriate context. Expressionism is offered as a gift to others who have to put up with it. In this spirit, the recipient should respect the right of the presenter to totally force his presentation on others in the public forum.
6. COMMUNAL EFFORT
(Sponsored by Flint, Michigan)
Our community values creative cooperation by ECs and collaboration by the lessor informed (but more than exuberant) volunteers. We strive to produce clean water and cold showers; promote events both on and off the Playa; and protect social networks of cronyism, private public spaces, works of art that we will burn to the ground, and methods of one-way communication that will be flamed if they don’t support our views of internal interaction.
7. CIVIC RESPONSIBILITY
(Sponsored by the Ferguson Police Department)
We value a civil society where any ass-hat with an art car can drive over you without consequence. Community members who organize events should assume that the public will take no responsibility for themselves and endeavor to look the other way when shit hits the fan. They must also assume that the police will be either on site at least daily to bust Burners who “walk funny,” or waiting just beyond the gate to harass and search every orifice that isn’t being occupied. (Responsibly, and in accordance with local, state and federal laws of course).
8. LEAVE NO TRACE
(Sponsored by BP Oil)
Our community respects the environment (on paper and media). We are committed to leaving no physical trace of our activities wherever we gather (although we will probably piss off the neighbors with our phat beats that repeat at insane decibel levels ad nasuiam until the break of dawn). We allow the generosity of others to clean up after ourselves for weeks, and endeavor, whenever possible, to leave such places in a better state than when we found them. Like Colorado for instance. Remember, you are responsible for spills! The government can only print so much money to fight the terrorists! If you’re not with us, you’re obviously moop yourself!
(Sponsored by your couch and TV)
Our community is committed to a radically participatory ethic – right after Game of Thrones. We believe that transformative change (Did you see Transformers?), whether on the individual iPhone or on the TV in the living room, can occur only through the medium of deeply personal participation during commercial breaks. We achieve being through other’s doings on reality shows. Everyone is invited to work, but few have jobs. Everyone is invited to play, but few want to leave the comfort of their own homes. The world real enough – No need to go out in it. Did you see Workaholics, I mean, daaaaammmnnn!
(Sponsored by the DMV)
Immediate experience is overrated. Take the time to savor the moment in eternity. Wait for it! It’s coming! We seek to overcome barriers that stand between us at a leisurely pace. Don’t get your panties in a bunch! Relax, have a cold beer. Have another. Now look at me. Now back to this paragraph. Recognize your inner self, how much you reek after not bathing for three days. Seek the reality of those around you as they have much more of a clue than you think they do. Participate in society now by having a seat and waiting until your number is up. It shouldn’t be too long. I mean, look at how fast this line is moving. Contact with a natural world exceeds human understanding. No amount of bullshit can substitute for being a participant of the Burning Community.
(Sponsored by Bill Cosby)
Consent is like a Jello Pudding Pop. It’s cold and hard at first, but once you get your warm mouth around it, it softens up and becomes creamy; NO!, Consent is like a Kodak Camera. It’s hard to work it at first, but once you start pressing the right buttons, eventually you’ll get the right exposure; NO!, Consent is like a can of Coca Cola. It’s cold metallic at first, but once you pop the top it gets wet and syrup-e and goes all the way down.
*Based on 2015 BRC Census statistics