About Us (Snark)

What follows is a bunch of snark related to our 2016 burn: This Event is Cancelled, in which we mocked all that we love about Burning Man and regional burns. Because if you can’t make fund of what you love…

Mission Statement

We put our money where our mouths are and suck those Benjamins dryer than a whore left out on the Playa to be cleaned up with the rest of the asshat, turn-key, Burner’s moop. This Event is Cancelled excels in breaking your expectations of what was, what is, and what could have been if anyone gave a flying fuck.

In other words, when you grow tired of paying the douche-bag Burners to screw up their events – show up at TEIC. We are experts in douche-baggary. We do it all the time. What is our secret? There isn’t one. The blunt truth is we don’t hire wankers that are afraid to put your shit out there and make it smell like roses. We have experienced nimrods that believe getting shit done makes everyone happy (or at least content enough where they leave us alone for three days). But why spend all your money and time and wait for the boys at the big Burn to fuck it up? Come out and get your burn experience “right” the first time with us.

You don’t need a Website to tell you what you already know. You need professionals that have their shit together and can throw an event you actually want to go to. Delivering such performance is a risky business. Those who revert to overly simplified and ridiculous analogies are kids attempting to play in a adult’s game. We work our ass-off to produce a quality event.

Are we good at it? Yes.
Are we always on-time and on-budget? No.
Are there any surprises? Sometimes.

The key to our stellar event is to communicate honestly and make decisions together with you…our beloved community.

We make stuff up and burn it. It isn’t hard. Well…at least for us it isn’t. We can’t speak for those assclowns that work for the other regional Burning Man communities. They have a hard enough time trying to speak for themselves. They are too busy debating the best way to put up a trash fence while drinking all your beer and insisting it is all for the pleasure of their company.

If we have to explain how we come up with such kick-ass ideas, you must be stupid. We just think. People have been doing it for hundreds of thousands of years. Try it sometime!

Oh, and smug? You bet your ass we’re smug. We won’t waste your time and all we ask is that you don’t waste ours with your indecision. Come to the event if you’re serious about your Burn.

Also, This Event is Cancelled. Or is it?
No it’s not.
Maybe.
Check the weather.

Event Coordinators

ecMaster Phupittmaster Masterphupitt – Chief Executive Officer
In charge on paper and taking the charge against paper charges. Phupittmaster has a B.S. in bs, is a master debater, and has a PhD in whatever you please. If there’s someone to blame, his name is the same. He’s got the game and is on the train to where it all ends up the same. Word.
ecJohn Sharky – EC, Board, Prez
“I’ll just do everything Jeremy does.”

Shit.

Piper Piper – EC, Board, Vice Prez
Piper does the things. She does so many things, we can’t keep track anymore, as she has taken one of the lead roles in this rag-tag community of ours.
Cole Cole – EC, Board, Effigy Lead
Cole impressed us in 2016 with both his skills and willingness to step up in 2016, so much, that we’ve given the poor bastard a leadership role. Somehow, he knew what he was getting himself into, and still accepted the position.
William William – Board, Earth Guardians, Fire Arts & Infrastructure Lead

William’s a guy with a million different talents to tap into. And believe me, we do!
PanD’Monium- Board, Treasurer

2018 BIO – PanD’Monium (Chuck) Board, Chief Financial Officer (Yes, we’ve finally handed over the money), Gate/Greeter Lead. With us since the out-set, participates actively as part of the in-set, filling a variety of roles during our numerous canceled events. His most challenging role, to date: Effigy Co-Lead in our second year, with the creation (and cremation) of Trogdor the Burninator… His most rewarding role: Effigy Co-Lead in our second year, with the creation (and cremation) of Trogdor the Burninator…

ecJohn Matt “SexyPants” Hand – Chief Technology Officer, Advisory EC, Board
Remember when you couldn’t buy event tickets for 15 minutes and it ruined your life? This is the guy who worked 400 hours to make that minor life inconvenience happen for just you! He actually worked extra hard to target the exact number of tickets before the bug happened, just to coincide with when you signed on. Haha! Aren’t you lucky we have such a talented IT guy? Think of what would happen if he worked for the Geek Squad?!?
ecJer Jeremy “Jeremy” Gaston – Advisory EC, Board
This is the guy you want to talk to as he makes your world go round. No problem is too small. No amount of bullshit is too little. He loves bullshit. Give him some today! He’s also everyone’s bitch, so please… be gentle. If you need to find Jeremy at any time, just look for Matt. Chances are you’ll find them together, humbly complimenting each other, on the size of their Topeka-Size Zipper-Rippers.